Still Struggling at Thirty: Lessons On Transition

I've Tumbled.

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Whatcha' think?

Today's Daily Challenge

As I've posted before, I belong to a (free!) group, Me You Heath,  that sends me a 'daily challenge' to complete and today's was this:

'Share 3 small things that made you happy when you were a teenager or a child.'

Here were the first three that came to my mind:

1.  I loooooooooved when my mom took me to the library and let me check out as many books as I wanted. To me, our downtown library in Cedar Rapids, was big and beautiful and smelled like heaven. I remember stockpiling as many books as I could carry and joyfully going through the 'check-out' line only to sit in the car and hold the books on my lap--unable to let them go. My mom checked out her own stack, which I loved, although I believe she was able to set them down while driving. I think.

2.  I looooooooved when my dad and I went to DIsney movies together. Just the two of us. I'm not sure if it was the movie itself, the treats we were able to gorge on, or the fact that this activity was simply for the two of us. It doesn't matter. I relished in the joy of all of it. Blissfully.

3.  I looooooooved when our family piled into the green station wagon and took our family trip to 'the lake' in Michigan every summer. My sister and I would divide the backseat into two equal halves and we'd make the long drive to reconnect with my dad's side of the family on 3-Mile Lake for a long week. We swam in the lake for day-long stretches (usually shampooing our hair right in the lake when necessary), played cards (my grandma taught me every solitaire game there is to play--I especially loved play double-solitaire with her), read books, cooked meals, and spent one day 'in town' where we toured wineries (THAT'S where I get my love of wine from--I distinctly remember stomping grapes) and stopped off at the Sugar Bear for a glorious dessert, bigger than our heads. Happiness. Pure and simple.

Quick! What are you moments of happiness? The first three that come to mind...

 

Boogren Family Fun

The Boogren Family took a nice long walk around Wash Park tonight. This is my happiness.

So excited to hang her head out the window on the way to the park!

Yup. I'm looking at YOU, Luce.

Sitting pretty, waiting to cross the big street.

Dad absolutely cannot resist getting Lucy riled up. 

Lucy found a SQUIRREL! and I found a tree with a heart on it.

 

Did we look?

Of course we did.

OMG! Another SQUIRREL!!!! So very, very exciting!

Three miles later and she's all tuckered out. Perfect.

 

Today's Six-Word Memoirs

The six-word memoirs that are rolling through my mind today....

• Feeling antsy, waiting on dissertation feedback.
• Can't wait to take Lucy walking.
• Need to get motivated to work.
• Home for two whole weeks! Yay!
• Looking forward to the Chalk Festival. 
• Hope to be at goal weight.
• My to-do list is growing.
• Currently ignoring my to-do list.
• Lots of random appointments this week.
• Can't plan when waiting on feedback.
• Thank goodness for 70 degree temperatures!
• Planning a spa day for Lucy.
• Working on 4th of July plans.
• Time to get back to Michigan.
• Two weeks home, then major travels.
• Find time to work on photography.
• Find time to work on writing.
• Find time to finish my book.
• Find time to try new recipes.
• Excited to pull out the grill.
• Envious of those with summer off.
• Just want to schedule my defense.
• Just want to be a graduate.
• Just want a glass of wine.
• Ready to get back to yoga.
• Could use a day of shopping.
• Could use a nice mani/pedi.
• Love getting nine hours of sleep.
• Love planning time with my husband.
• I love that these are contagious.

What's yours for today?

 

Thinking About Ideal Protein?

There's been a lot of interest in the Ideal Protein diet that I'm embarking on and I'm starting to feel like a spokeswoman (I'll take it!) so I'm going to summarize some of the big lessons learned, thus far (17 pounds lighter!):

1.  Eating carbs (sugar) makes me want to eat more carbs (sugar). It's a nasty cycle where, "I'll just have one bite" totally backfires. In order to curb cravings, carbs (sugar) must be eliminated, otherwise it's a VERY slippery slope back into the vicious cycle of continually craving more and more carbs (sugar). And yes, carbs turn into sugar in our bodies so when I used to say that I wasn't addicted to sugar, I was a total liar. I was totally and completely addicted to sugar--in the form of warm bread, crusty bagels, pizza crust, and all those crunchy snacks that I lose control over when I'm eating them (hello chips... even veggie chips, pita chips, and pop-chips--the 'healthy' chips... ahem....).  

2.  Staying fully 'on-plan' makes me feel amazing. I sleep soundly, have all-day energy, feel a sense of calm, and am confident with my body in ways that I haven't been before, on any diet. And while this should be enough to keep me on track, it isn't. I'm still tempted--on a daily/hourly/minute-by-minute basis--and I still play mind games where I try to convince myself that one piece of bread won't hurt me or that I 'deserve' some baked chips because I've had a rough day of traveling and/or working or that it's 'not fair' that I can't have any wine. If you could hear the thoughts happening my mind you'd be amazed at the inner dialogue that occurs. It's nonstop. I just read that we make almost 226 decisions around food on a daily basis. I believe it. I totally and completely believe it. There are days where I feel as though I think of nothing else that entire day, just food and how I'm going to manage my day and my choices. 

3.  Getting rid of 'artificial stuff' is tough--fake stuff is in ever-y-thing, but knowing that my body is running on clean, natural ingredients empowers me. While participating in other 'diets,' I cut calories, fat, and carbs, and the weight came off (verrrrrry slooooowly) but I did it by continuing to eat processed foods. Sure, my stomach shrunk, but I wasn't healthy. I'm engaging in the Ideal Protein diet (I prefer 'lifestyle') because I want to be healthy. H.E.A.L.T.H.Y. I want to crave whole foods, live off the energy of eating a diet rich in nutrients, not in 'fake crap,' and be able to control myself in every situation that comes my way and defines my life:  eating out with my husband, meeting my friends for happy hour, maneuvering through airports, surviving hotel fare, having dinner with clients, etc., etc., etc. I want my new habits to overtake the wiring in my mind that was attached to my old habits and not have to think so consciously about the decisions I'm making--I want those decisions to become a natural part of my life. And I'm getting there. One day at a time.

4. Standing in the dressing room of The Gap yesterday, asking the store clerk to grab me a smaller size (one I haven't seen in YEARS), and slipping on a form-fitting dress, brought tears to my eyes. I kid you not. I actually smiled when I looked in the mirror, spun around a couple 'o times (total dork, I know), and bought the damn dress, even though I didn't like the price tag so much. I didn't care. It was a 'victory dress.' I earned it. I can't remember enjoying shopping so much. And that feeling made it easy to say, "I'll just have some club soda, please," when E and I stopped at the local pub on the way home.

5.  I've been reading a lot of research, watching a lot of reports ('The Weight of the Nation,' in particular) and am so disturbed by the numbers on obesity and where we're heading in this country. I am disgusted that crap food costs nothing and fresh food costs a fortune. I am appalled that there are communities in this country where residents cannot get fresh food--there are no grocery stores, just convenient stores, stockpiled with CRAP, CRAP, and more CRAP. It's a disgrace. I am saddened that our children know no other way of eating and are destined for a life of disease, pain, and struggle. I cannot believe how difficult it is to find a healthy meal at any given airport, restaurant, or convenient store. The labels are deceiving, the advertisements are confusing, and the fruit bowl on the counter is a joke. This. Must. Change. I'm not sure what this has to do with my diet but I feel there's a connection here... I would love to help others as my health coaches have helped me. I believe in the power of empathy--understanding where each one of us is coming from--and helping one another and so maybe, just maybe, my blog posts will help at least one other person and that one person will turn around and support one other person and on and on and on... Hope, hope.

Questions? Let's chat.

 

Unbelievable.

I survived a three-day weekend withOUT alcohol. None. Not one glass. Not one drop. Who knew I could do THAT?

I also managed to stay on-track, diet-wise (minus a bite or two off of Eric's plate, oopsies) even amidst art festivals with food stalls, free samples, trying new restaurants, having leftovers in the fridge, spending time on patios, and killer cravings. 

Was it difficult? Good God, yes. Was it worth it? When I bought a size smaller during a brief trip to The Gap, yes. Yesssssssssss.

I will be happy to get back to the wine, though. Just a glass. Just one, bold, rich, savory, beautiful glass.... Mmmmmm.... 

 

Six Word Memoirs.

So the story goes that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write an entire story in six-words. To which he responded with this, "For sale:  baby shoes, never worn." (And supposedly he claims it was the best thing he ever wrote. Agree?) And lately, those six-word memoirs/summaries/stories are all the rage. Have you seen them in magazines? In books? Online? They're everywhere. If you haven't seen them yet, you will now that I've pointed them out to you, I promise.

I used to have my students write them all the time when I was in the classroom and I often have my workshop participants write them now for various purposes and because of this, I do a lot of my thinking and reflecting in six words. Call me a weirdo, but whatever...

So lately, here's some reflections that I've been thinking of for my own life. In six words.:

• Thanks for being full of awesome.
• Stupid pizza, please stop tormenting me.
• That last glass was a mistake.
• Stupid dissertation, I will conquer you.
• 15 pounds gone; see you never.
• Lucy, you make us a family.
• People, please remember to be polite.
• Customer Service, where did you go?
• Modern Family, thanks for the laughs.
• McKenna, I'm so proud of you.
• Bailey, you make me so proud.
• Honey, I miss our 'us' time.
• Sorry, but my calendar is full.
• My toes need to feel sand.
• So many books, so little time.
• Oh my, I miss summer vacation.
• Thank God I can have coffee.
• Drink more water. Drink more water.
• I just want time to write.
• Remember when I used to run?
• Did I really dance in public?
• Ellen, thank you for your dancing.
• People-watching just never gets old.
• Empathy is a defined skill set.
• Wake up determined to be awesome.
• Need to sleep in own bed.
• What time zone am I in?
• I need ten hours of sleep.
• Amazing what six words can say.

Try it. You'll become addicted, I swear. And it's a not-so-bad addiction... so indulge. Cheers!

 

Somebody Hoist Me Back Up...

....onto the diet wagon. Please. I slipped off this weekend, found my way back on board yesterday, but all of a sudden slipped off again today. Huh? What's happening? How did I put that pasta in my mouth? Where did those peanuts come from? Why was I suddenly tempted again by all the crappy processed food that surrounded me all day? Why didn't I say NO???

HELP!!!!!!!!

So here I am, reaching out to you, my readers, for motivation to kick it back into high-gear. Pllllleeeeease. Clearly I cannot do this on my own right now. Someone yell at me, someone say nice things to me, someone threaten me... all of it, I need all of it. Just someone tell me something so that I can start fresh again right. this. very. instant.

I know it's not about perfection so I'm trying to be kind to myself... but I could also use a swift kick to my booty, too. Who's in?

I'm putting on my tennies and am going to go move for awhile. I expect to 'hear' from you when I return. Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. 

 

Safety First.

So I experienced a 'first' today. I actually LEFT my hotel room because it was so. bad. I tried, I really did. When I pulled into the lot and saw that it was a 'motel' and not a 'hotel' I sucked it up and decided that it was time to put my big-girl panties on and deal with it. 

And then I found my room. On the ground floor. Where I parked my rental car ten feet away from my door. And where a large group of men were hanging around outside, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes, and who whistled at me as they watched me pull my suitcase out and enter the room right. next. door. Alone. Very, very alone.

I tried to settle in and calm down. I pulled the shades, engaged the deadbolt and started to unpack. But then I looked around. At the filthy shower (I mean seriously baaaaad), the toilet handle that was falling off, the one thin towel hanging precariously by the sink, the ironing board cover with multiple brown stains and marks, and the light that wouldn't turn on by the bed, next to the alarm clock with the cracked face, that also would not turn on. And so I decided to sit for a minute and figure out what to do. Meanwhile the men outside kicked it up a notch and decided to hoot and holler (about what, I don't know... I don't think I want to know). 

And the clear choice was to go. Now. I quickly got online, found a nearby Marriott, made a reservation, repacked the two items that I'd taken out of my bag, hauled my suitcase back to my car (ten feet from my door), drove to the office and told the manager-on-duty that I was going to be checking-out because I wasn't 'comfortable.' I was prepared for a 'fight' but without hesitation she issued me my receipt with a zero balance and I got the hell out of there. She didn't even question me. 

Phew.

I'm now in my Fairfield Inn, feeling safe and sound, and smart for making the right decision. It's difficult enough traveling alone as a woman, no need to set myself up for what could be an incident that one reads about in the next day's paper. Overly-dramatic? Perhaps. But I don't think so this time.

Another travel lesson learned. 

 

May 10, 2012.

It's 11:37 on May 10, 2012; almost the exact time on the exact date that I anticipated hearing the words, "Congratulations, Dr. Boogren." I also anticipated that in less than an hour from this exact minute, I would be toasting a big 'ol glass of wine with my amazing husband, on a patio, reminiscing about the journey I'd been on (headache be damned). But, not so much. Which is why I've been a bit antsy today, unable to sit still, typing this post with shaky hands and a tight throat. I've had to respond to numerous, beautiful emails wishing me luck today and explain that that luck would need to be held onto for a little longer. Not easy emails to write. As most of you know, I've decided (not really MY decision but...) to push my graduation back to August and so hopefully, some time in July, I WILL hear those three words that I've been working towards for four long years. Just not today.

I've been a bit ridiculous all week. I know this. The tears and the depression and the rage and more tears. Ridiculous. Because I KNOW, I do, I do, I do, that moving graduation back by two months is no. big. deal. I swear to you, I do. I also know that there are people in this world--my world--truly suffering with BIG things right now and a little change in plans in my world doesn't even come close to comparison. I know this. I swear to you that I do. I'm not as self-absorbed as I may seem to be the last couple of days (week, months...).

However, in my world, THIS is what is NOW. This has been four years in the making (actually, many more years than that... it was in elementary school, I believe, that I decided that I would someday earn my doctorate) and I did everything I was supposed to do to make this happen. I completed the coursework with flying colors, I nailed my comprehensive exams, I successfully defended my proposal, I met every deadline for the dissertation work, I stayed on schedule from day one, and in the end, the rug got pulled out from under me. For a little while. And really to no fault of my own. I did everything I was supposed to do and yet, in the end, due to circumstances far beyond my control, it wasn't enough. I am not defeated, though, I'm readjusting the rug and I WILL cross that finish line but there was some personal grieving work that needed to be done in the meantime.

I cannot wait until the day that I can look back on this experience and truly see it with clear eyes and a not so defeated heart. The lessons that I am learning are those BIG lessons--those lifelong ones, that, in the end, will make me someone I never even knew I could be. I can't define all of the lessons just yet as I'm still in the middle of the hurricane, but they will appear to me, I have no doubt. This will all be but a blip in my lifeline and I hope to someday pass the lessons along to another brave soul who decides to take this same journey. I believe that it will be my duty to turn around and help make someone's journey a bit easier than mine has been. (Always a teacher, I guess.)

I cannot thank everyone enough for the incredible outpouring of love and support that I've received. I'm in awe of the team of friends and family that I have holding me up and I have not taken that for granted for one second. No one has told that I'm an idiot, no one has said that I'm being ridiculous, no one has told me to get over myself. All words of advice that I absolutely deserved to hear. My husband has been the closest one to say those things, but even he has resisted, allowing me to grieve and then telling me it's time to move on. He's right. And I am. I'm moving on. 

Starting now.

 

Mistake

It was innocent enough. I was at dinner with a beautiful friend at a beautiful restaurant last night and I caved. I ordered ONE glass of wine. I avoided the bread, ate healthy veggies and salad, but decided that after the week I'd had, I 'deserved' one measly glass of wine.

Mis-take.

Within minutes of finishing that one glass, I could feel my sinuses clog up and my head begin to ache. I chugged water, chugged water, chugged water (kicking myself for 'caving') all night and went to bed. And now, this morning, I feel hung-over. From one glass of wine. I'm hungry, have a headache, and feel all clogged up.

Clearly my body hasn't had sugar in it for over two weeks and by throwing a sugary glass of wine into the mix, I messed that all up. And my body's letting me know. The good news is that I learned my lesson. Loud and clear. No more wine. That craving is GONE. I hate how I feel right now (physically and mentally) and I won't do this again. Maybe it's a good thing I caved last night--I no longer have that craving. It's not worth it. It's soooo not worth it.

Back on track today. Curious what my splurge will do to the scale this week. Hurumph.